Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Toddler Blues

Yesterday was an awful day on the parenting front.  I failed on so many levels and feel like the world''s worst parent.

After Bob was born I suffered from pretty bad post natal depression.  I would phone my husband at least 4 times a day in a state of fear, frustration and tears. I battled through each day and found parenting so challenging and difficult.  Some days I enjoyed, but most I endured.

After Boo was born I took immediate action.  I joined a post-natal depression support group and started on some medication.  The effect was immediate.  I went from calling my husband 4 or 5 times a day to maybe once, just to check in.

Motherhood was still a challenge, but a manageable one.

But not everyday is plain sailing.  Some days can be hard.  Each moment can be a chore.

I love my children.  They are my pride and joy, but when I am enveloped by this cloak of depression I find it so hard to love parenting them.  Each demand and need becomes another bind that suffocates me and I tense up.  Every cuddle asked of me makes me tighter and tighter until I can't do anything but explode.

Yesterday was a bad day.  From the start Miss Boo pushed my buttons and then some.  It's not her fault.  she's two.  She does exactly what a two year old should do and she is perfect. 

But I lost it.  I shouted.  

I shouted at a two year old. 

She is fine.  She probably doesn't remember this morning.  Most times she just laughed in my face and carried on doing what she was doing (hitting her brother, biting me, throwing everything around the house, breaking lamps, destroying my plants, throwing food at me).  But other times I could see that she was upset and confused.  Why wasn't I finding what she was doing fun?

When my husband got in I collapsed in his arm in a fit full of tears.

I went out in the evening.  I did a work out and pushed myself hard so that my body released all its tension and endorphins ran through my veins.

I came home and snuggled in bed next to my daughter.  Gently snoring away.  Looking as beautiful and angelic as ever.

I woke in the morning to cuddles and kisses and giggles galore.

I have not woke with a cloak on me.  A resolve lies in my heart to make each day a better day.  To learn to cast off any cloak that tries to suffocate me again. I owe that to her and to Bob.  I owe it to myself.

I hope that I am strong enough.

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